Anxiety resolved

In my new position as the manager of our Starbucks here in Brenham, I am finding that my mind is consistently and unwelcomingly drawn to work. Gone are the days of leaving work at work...it follows me like body odor. Don't get me wrong, I am certain that once I get settled into this new position, it will be a phenomenal fit and I will love running a business. But for now, I am filled and haunted by a thousand "immediate" needs.

I'm making dinner for my husband and thinking about when my next supervisor meeting is and all I need to do to get that agenda ready. I'm driving to a friends house remembering that I forgot to tell the crew to do something before I left the store (and wondering if it is really important enough to call them about it). I'm getting ready in the morning and pondering how I can better deploy our partners to make the store run more efficiently. I'm trying to divert my mind onto something else, like a new book, and find that apparently I have two brains because one is focusing on the book while the other is still spinning over why in the world my district manager would make the decision he did.

My initial response is to get overwhelmed and to run away. Just disappear from life. High tail it out of here. Walk into the lake and never come back. Start driving into the sunset and start over somewhere else. Now don't get alarmed. I feel this way pretty frequently when I'm overwhelmed and anxiety stricken, and the most I've run is to literally go for a run or go for a drive (which after about 30 minutes, I'm tired of and wish I didn't have to get myself back to point A. ;o)

The anxiety sometimes is overwhelming; I just focus on breathing deep and slowing myself down. But then I sink into this exhausted slump. It's as if the anxiety has completely drained me and I don't know whether to go run or go to sleep.

On nights like tonight when I have reached my limit, I finally turn on Pandora, put on Dave's Bose headphones (that block out EVERYTHING and completely engross you in amazing sound, slight commercial there...) and I worship at the top of my lungs. I sing harmony for Darlene Zschech until my throat hurts. Tonight, Hillsong United and "Came to My Rescue" broke the stalemate in my mind and spirit.

I called You answered
And You came to my rescue and I
Want to be where you are.

In my life be lifted high
In my world be lifted high
In my love be lifted high

I want to draw close to the Lord, to the mercy, grace and peace that He alone can bring to the depths of where I am. My heart wants Jesus. Jesus alone. Ours is a relationship I am learning to embrace. A man I am getting to know in a new way. And though my intellect tells me I should just hand him my heart without reservation, my spirit is just beginning to allow him to touch the pieces of who I really am.