Do you wuv you?

I love playing this game with my kids where I whisper to them...

"Do you know what?"

"Whut mama?"

"I love you!"

Emma particularly loves it and takes it a step further...

"I wuv you too mama......and I wuv Norwah and Hudson and Daddy and myself and YOU!"

"I love Norah and Hudson and Daddy too, Emma!"

"Mama?...Do you wuv you?"

Wait...whaaaaat? Do I love me? Does that feel like a strange question to anyone else?

We have a policy of answering honestly in our home, and so I didn't feel like I could just flippantly say Yes. Because sometimes, I don't love myself as much as I love all these people under my roof. Sometimes, I love them exponentially more than I love myself. I answered her with a yes, but ya know how God uses our kids to refine us? He was, in this moment, and speaking through 2 year old lips.

I think it struck me weirdly because most people in our society view loving yourself as a bad thing, as an arrogance that stinks rank. We prefer words like pamper or "treating myself". When often (not always, but often) all we are doing is using some external force to fill a love void. And we find that it works for a bit. But, next day, we are back at it again, fighting the lies we hear in our heads - be it from the enemy or from harsh words spoken or action done all those years ago. I seem to fight almost daily with loving myself. I don't want to love myself too much because that's pride and arrogance, but I keep hearing that I can't love anyone else well until I love myself. And what does that kind of love look like?

I think for me, in this season, it looks like grace. Grace for the moments when I an undone. Undone can come in so many different ways for all of us, but for a mama of 3 small kids in the middle of a move in the middle of the holidays it comes in the form of my home. I seriously think there must be some frat boyz hiding out in the closets. My theory is that they all emerge after we are asleep and move with stealth-like ninja quickness to watch my TV, nosh on Cheetos and soda, play with my kids toys, throwing them aimlessly around my house, and then strip naked and leave their laundry both in clean piles in baskets and dirty...well...just everywhere (like, I seriously found a dirty sock in the hairbrush drawer. Seriously, frat boyz?) And they all must be carrying around bottles of Febreeze. Cause it don't smell like frat house up in here, but it sho' do look like one. So if anyone comes visiting...just blame it on the frat boyz.

I mean, seriously, I woke up today hearing all this condemnation about how I should kick out the frat boyz and grow up and be the 34 year old mom that I am and have a spotless house. Did I mention we are moving in like 10 days? And that I have 3 small children? And that I'm packing this place up mostly by myself? And trying to buy the Christmas gifts? And figure out where to ship the gifts because we have no permanent address at the moment? So...grace.

Grace for myself that I am hospitable and the frat boyz can stay until we move into the new place. (But then it's gonna be all "You ain't got to go home, but 'chu gotsta get the heck outta here!") And the Christmas tree may not go up this year. And the presents will come, at some point, to some address, somewhere. Grace that the kids will survive a year without starting any kind of Forman traditions. Grace that crockpot meals are fantastic and beautiful sides prepared with loving care are for the birds when you're moving. Pizza and Movies. Pizza is acceptable and movies essential in this season. And paper plates. And grace to laugh off the things that don't really matter at all or that I can't control. For example, our new house was ordered with 2 sets of porches and stairs....and we have 3 doors. C'est la vie. Grace is the name of the game for wrapping up 2015.

It just hit me....Emma was the one who asked me if I loved myself and started this whole train of thought. And Emma's middle name? Grace. How fitting.

Sisters

“A sister is both your mirror – and your 

opposite.”

– Elizabeth Fishel

These two sisters couldn't be more opposite. One, an independent, make-sure-everyone-follows-the-rules, but tender-hearted, kind of girl. She loves her family fiercely and has been known to go through a pack of 500 sheets of construction paper in a week. The other, a crazy-haired jokester who can make us laugh with the wrinkle of her brow. Books and quiet moments alone fill her soul brim-full. But she also wins the "Most likely to be found cuddling with mama and daddy" award.

I love these moments. When their worlds collide and I catch them enjoying life together. Interacting about the great green world around them and just being sisters. I pray the Lord blesses these sweetest of moments with His stickability and they continue to find themselves chatting about the simplest of things. 

The Soul Mess: Guest Posting Today!!

I am super excited to let you all know that I am guest blogging over at RedTentLiving.com today.

This is the first time I've submitted anything to Red Tent, so I'm humbled and honored to be blogging alongside some amazing women with breathtaking stories.

Just click here to go check it out!


A little about Red Tent Living:

Red Tent Living is an invitation.  Here, women come to just be and be together.  Amidst all of the impossible, confusing, and shaming ideas of what femininity is in our culture today, we find respite and meaning in gathering together and sharing our lives with one another.  Your femininity is not an essence to be quickly taken in, nor is it contained in the labels of your age, location, season of life, or vocation.  That is why in this venue, we choose to reframe what it is to be a woman.

There is power in regular connecting and honest sharing. Our own gatherings and discussions can become places of rest, becoming, and creativity.  We don’t need to let other people define femininity for us…we can do that together.

God's back in dark seasons

All I have seen teaches me to trust the Creator for all that I have not seen ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

I have recently come out a darker season of life. Those moments when I'm not sure which way is up because I let the enemy speak too loudly. I let him murmur a little too long in my ear. And I find my self upside down and sideways because I have replaced the clear voice of the Father with the dull pain of the enemy's condemnation and lies. He [the devil] was a murderer from the beginning, and does not stand in the truth because there is no truth in him. When he lies he speaks out of his own character, for he is a liar and the father of lies. (John 8:44)

But now on the other side of this dark season, I see the Lord more clearly. I see how His hand was moving and working for my good...for His glory. His. Glory. Oh that I may be a tool for His use! For His glory! That He would mold and shape and make me into whatever brings Him the most praise and honor. That I would humbly bow and submit. For He knows all things. He holds all things. If it weren't for Him, to dust we would return. If He removed His hand but for a moment, all things would come shattering down. 

I was listening to One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp on Audible. (If you haven't read this book, do it. Just go buy it right now. Ah-may-zing....) She spoke so clearly to where I was....

Wasn't that too His way with Moses? "When my glory passes by, I will put you in a cleft in the rock and cover you with my hand until I have passed by. Then I will remove my hand and you will see my back. (Exodus 33:22-23 NIV) 

Is that it? When it gets dark, it's only because God has tucked me in a cleft of the rock and covered me, protected, with His hand? In the pitch, I feel like I'm falling, sense the bridge giving way, God long absent. In the dark, the bridge and my world shakes, cracking dreams. But maybe this is true reality: It is in the dark that God is passing by. The bridge and our lives shake not because God has abandoned, but the exact opposite: God is passing by. God is in the tremors. Dark is the holiest ground, the glory passing by. In the blackest, God is closest, at work, forging His perfect and right will. Though it is black and we can't see and our world seems to be free-falling and we feel utterly alone, Christ is most present to us, I-beam support in earthquake. Then He will remove His hand. Then we will look. Then we look back and see His back. 

I am so thankful that the Lord is near to me. That He hears when I call and He responds. I mean, seriously? The God of the Universe....responding to me?! Caring about me? Loving me? Listening to me lament my daily problems? I am thankful that He is near. That in the darkest of nights, He is passing by. 

Would I still be good?

I recently heard a story of a mother who accidentally mixed her one month old baby's formula with vodka. The baby is going to fine even after her blood alcohol level reached a staggering .29% (according to a USA Today article). But the child's toes turned red, her legs started shaking and she was rushed to the emergency room and then intensive care.

As I listened to the story being told while holding my middle born, I felt my gut tighten. What if that was my child? It was a total accident. Dad filled a water bottle with vodka to take it to a friends house and left it on the counter. But by the grace of God, it could totally be our home. (Not that we are in the habit of carrying vodka around in water bottles, but you get the point.) 

Then the whisper came: "Would I still be good?" 

Dads that die driving home from the job worked so hard to bring the bread and bacon.

Moms struck still in word. Cancer. 

"Would I still be good?"

Financial security ripped away when the oil drops and downsizing rises.

The spouse came to work with the news. I thought he had gotten fired. But no. Worse. Heart stopped beating. Lungs not filling. "Your dad died." 

"Am. I. still. good?"

I recently heard Tim Keller say that it's often hard for us to identify our idols. We often think we don't have any. So rather than trying to identify idols, begin to identify the things that would cause you to reject the goodness and sovereignty of God. Would the loss of anything in life, a child, a spouse, an identity, a social standing, anything, cause you to reject the goodness and sovereignty of God? Once you identify those things, you will know what your idols are.  (And that is grossly paraphrased. He is much more eloquent than I ever could be.)

So, the question has been coming to me often. Would I still be good? If your child dies? If the man I'm soul-joined with didn't come home one day be it from death or just a choice to walk away....would I question His goodness?

He stands by and doesn't intervene in situations when we think He should. When we scream "if You are so good, why didn't You stop this?! Why did You let someone do that to me? When things are precious to me, I don't just stand by while someone else utterly destroys them! Why didn't You stop this?" When the why's won't stop flooding our minds....how do we respond to Him then? IS HE STILL GOOD?

It's in these moments that we have to allow our minds to rule over our feelings. Where we stop the reckless rape of our minds by the enemy and cling tight to the shoulder of His robe, burying our face in His neck, knuckles white and fingers frozen in a grip that won't be let go of. This is where we fall, helpless, hopeless, confused and lost, but believing and trusting beyond all that we can see. He is who He says He is. And He says that He is good. His words are clear, black and white for all to see:

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are my ways your ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts. (Isaiah 55:8-9)

He works all things together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. (Romans 8:28)

He is the same, yesterday and today and tomorrow. (Hebrews 13:5)

In Him is life. (John 1)

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through the fire you shall not be burned and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the Lord Your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior. (Isaiah 43:2)

I give water in the wilderness, rivers in the desert, to give drink to my chosen people, the people I formed for myself that they might declare my praise (Isaiah 43:20b-21)

Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose trust is in the Lord. He is like a tree planted by water, that sends out its roots by the stream, and does not fear when heat comes, for its leaves remain green, and is not anxious in the year of drought, for it does not cease to bear fruit. (Jeremiah 17:7-8)

This is not an exhaustive list...not by a long shot. Just a few verses the Lord popped to my mind. He is good. And nothing can change that. Not death, not life, not abuse, not abandonment, not financial ruin, not a car wreck or a diagnosis. Nothing can change who He is. And He is good. 

Oh Lord, may we run this race set before us with endurance. Teach us to take thoughts captive and submit them to your truth. We can know your character as clear as we see our faces in the mirror. Give us a hunger for your word and a hunger to know you more. Draw those who don't know you and find us faithful in the midst of the earthly. Amen.