So apparently I'm insecure...

So apparently, I'm insecure. I guess I've known for a while that I struggle with finding my identity in Christ. I wasn't taught how, and no one I grew up with really exhibited this mindset. Further, as I've grown into adulthood, "finding your identity in Christ" seems to be this elusive skeleton of an idea that I haven't found anyone who can boil it down for me into digestible chunks. It's always this grand notion with some kind of imaginary checklist that I can't seem to find anywhere.

Oh I know the bullet points:

 I am a child of the King of Kings! 

I am worth dying for! 

I am so treasured that the God of the Universe sent His SON...HIS ONLY SON....to DIE a horrible death just for me. And if I was the only person on the earth, He still would have done it. 

I could go on for days with these truths. But for my entire existence, I have struggled, nay, failed, at moving these truths from my head to heart. I agree with those who've said it before and am absolutely convinced that the longest distance anyone must travel in life is the distance from head to heart. WHY? Why is so hard to convince the heart of truthful things about our Creator-God-Father-Friend?

So, I struggle. I wrestle with what others think of me. How they perceive everything....every. thing....about me. It's not a constant thing. Most days, I am confident in who I am, what I'm doing, how I'm doing whatever it is. I do well to stay away from Facebook and Pinterest and Instagram, where, let's be honest people - we will never measure up to all the perfectly pictured moments of sunsets and reading lists and checklists and grocery lists and chore charts. I mean, just bless.

But some days.  OH. Some. Days. 

I can feel your shoulders drooping and your eyebrows lifting with me. The deep sigh comes from me too, sister-friend.

Some days my whole life just seems like one big ugly cry. I just can't seem to find my footing. I KNOW the truth of the Word and what God says about me. But I flounder. I gasp for air under giant waves of insecurity. And then I adjust what I would do, say, act, feel, wear to whatever I think they're thinking.

Does this mom-friend think I'm being too hard on my kids? Too soft? ....Adjust.
Is she, he, them watching what I'm choosing to eat?....Adjust.
Oh gosh, that woman in Wal-Mart just asked NJ a question and she didn't know the answer, I really should teach her that....Adjust.
I know that she and I don't agree on certain topics, and even though my opinions are biblically based and she calls herself a believer....mmmm.... I will just hear her out, smile and nod and by NOT responding I won't cause any problems.

I confess most of this ugly rears it's head when it comes to my kids. To my parenting abilities. To my mothering, homemaking, wife-ing. You know, the places we women find our identity and worth more often than in Christ. Ouch. That one stung a little, huh? Yet again...how to move the truth from head to heart?

I don't have the answer. I see so many, myself included, finding identity and worth and value and security in the temporal. The enemy has deceived in the places closest to our hearts. He's cunning like that. Sly dog. He has reached right in to the places we devote our life's work to - home, kids, marriage, family - and convinced so many of us that if all those things are flowing along nicely, we are OK and our "place in life" is solid and secure. Oh what shaky ground it is. He has convinced us, lied to us, walked us into the garden and handed the apple and we have bitten like big fish. Oh that we could go back and replace the lie. Replace the lie dug deep into our hearts and souls and spirits that our identities lie in these houses of brick and mortar. That our worth is wrapped neatly into the behavior, education, and cleanliness of our children. Oh dear friends, we KNOW it isn't. Our minds KNOW this truth. But our BELIEF is blocked. Our hearts are guarded and afraid and unsure.

I, for one, am tired of being guarded and afraid, unsure and insecure. My God didn't call me to that. He didn't send His son to die for me so I could live a life full of that! I look forward to the ways that He is about to alter my heart-believing. I never have these rants without a change being close behind. I embrace it. I look forward to it. I can't wait to see what He is about to do.


PS...I seriously wish for one week, we would all post our worst moments to social media, the makeup off, hair in tangles, the thing we actually just really "oh my gosh did I seriously" said to our kids. Close-up shots of ring around the tub, the dust on the fan blades and the overflowing trashcans. DO I dare say it...the PLAYROOM!? I mean..can you imagine?! HA!!!