A New Season is Upon Us

I have tried starting this a few times and there is no easy way to begin one of the most bittersweet posts I've ever written. So here we go, bear with me....

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven...Ecclesiastes 3:1

A season is ending for us tomorrow and man... our hearts are heavy. 

Dave has accepted a worship leader position at a new church. Well, I suppose our whole family has accepted a worship leader position. Because when the leader of our home was called into ministry, so were we. 

But this new adventure came without much warning. Dave wasn't seeking a position. We are not disgruntled or frustrated or angry or upset with our current church. We were not looking to change churches. We were perfectly content. Comfortable even. But as the writer of Ecclesiastes says: There is a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing (Ecc 3:5b) We have embraced the people of Redeemer Brenham as our own and now it's time to let go. 

The Lord did not prepare me five and a half years ago for how the people of Redeemer would come to weave their way into the deepest parts of my spirit. I wasn't prepared for what true community under the banner of Christ Jesus looked like. I wasn't prepared to walk rocky terrain along side people who love no matter what, accept despite my faults and embrace in order to heal and grow. People who truly, deeply and honestly understand what it means to meet felt needs and share whatever they have. I had not known this type of genuine Christ like love until now. 

We have walked through the darkest season of our lives with these folks holding our arms high. They identified broken places in our lives sometimes before we could, and were prepared with the Gospel to help put pieces back together. They have mourned with us in ways we didn't know people were capable of.

They laughed, jumped, shouted and cried when we announced not one, not two, but three pregnancies. They have held our babies in their arms and hearts and prayers. They provided meals for a solid month after each of the kids was born and some of them have even done my laundry and cleaned my toilet. (Poor, sweet souls. Bless. Bless. Bless.) And we've helped those same friends welcome over 22 babies!! 25+ babies in five and a half years? I'm just sayin'....don't drink the water.

We've gone through a church merge together. A healthy one that was an amazing testament to the Lord. Click on the link and watch that video - it's freakin' awesome!!

We've done bible studies, women's ministries, run sound and led worship. We have gone berry picking, on retreats, thrown wedding showers, thrown baby showers (a lot of baby showers) and shared in kid-watching duties. 

And then there is food. Sweet mercy the food. I thought I knew how to cook before I came to Texas. And I was so, so, so, so....SO...wrong. We love sharing food together. And there is a lot of it. Something beautiful happens over shared meals. There have been multiple times I've gotten a random phone call that someone heard I was having a rough day and they are bringing dinner over. I've repaid the favor gladly on multiple occasions as well. You know you've found a sweet spot in life when people drop dinner off because your entire family has been sick for a few days. 

The teaching of this church has been revolutionary in our lives. You'd think two adults who were raised in church their whole lives would have some rock solid theology. Don't get me wrong. We knew what we believed, but we needed help reinforcing the foundations started decades ago. And we found it under the teaching of Justin Hyde and Marcus Lawhon. They filled in gaps for us that made the whole tapestry of salvation and this crazy Christian walk make sense. 

So here I sit on the eve of our last day of worship with the people who have been "our people" for over 5 years. To all of you at Redeemer, I am eternally grateful for the ways the Lord has shown His deep, all surpassing love through you. I am thankful that you have taught me so much, from how to birth babies to how to cook Lemon Fusilli. For the ways you have challenged my actions and the thoughts behind the actions. For the lifelong friends I know we have made. And for the ways you point to Jesus. Oh the many, many ways you live out His love in your daily walks. I know we aren't perfect...Lawd knows we gots lots to work on, right?!...but we are seeking His heart. Thank you for an amazing 5 years, I will never be the same. 

Reset and Repeat

Every night around here there is a routine. After we eat dinner, the hubs usually gets in the floor with all the little people and wrestles, flips and otherwise tosses them about. We put them to bed, and then finish the clean up for the day. It's a "reset" of this crazy space. All the toys back to the playroom, shoes, jackets and the random clothes tossed about head back to the kids room, dishes in the washer and the kitchen counters wiped down.

It used to make me angry. Silly, right? But it did. I would get so frustrated at the end of the long days. "I'm so tired. And they are just going to trash it again tomorrow. As soon as they wake up, crumbs will be back on the floor, toys will be everywhere....and then I'll just have to do it all over again. So what's the point?!" I confess some nights...okay most nights...the playroom just stays the tornado wreckage that it is.

Lately though I've begun to enjoy waking up to cleanliness. I like that I can walk in my kitchen in the morning and not be greeted with a sink full of to-do's.

Tonight as I was making the rounds. I thought to myself: Reset... and Repeat Tomorrow. My mind's eye started examining those words between the picking up of size 3 shoes and sippy cups. And He struck me with His truth.

Every night when heads hit pillows, it's a reset. And when His grace makes the sun rise and His mercies are new, it's a chance to repeat...or not. Every night I can rest soundly knowing that tomorrow His mercies will be new and I will have the opportunity to retry what I missed today. Or to repeat what I did that honored Him or to attack the parts of my personality I'd rather weren't there with the truth of who He says I am (remember that icky insecurity?!). His mercy is new every morning. Just like my kitchen sink is open and ready to receive the breakfast carnage, so my heart and mind can be ready to receive all that He is.

I'm so thankful that He speaks in the everyday. That in the midst of the mundane evening pickup, He is present, reminding me of His attentiveness, grace and mercy.

So apparently I'm insecure...

So apparently, I'm insecure. I guess I've known for a while that I struggle with finding my identity in Christ. I wasn't taught how, and no one I grew up with really exhibited this mindset. Further, as I've grown into adulthood, "finding your identity in Christ" seems to be this elusive skeleton of an idea that I haven't found anyone who can boil it down for me into digestible chunks. It's always this grand notion with some kind of imaginary checklist that I can't seem to find anywhere.

Oh I know the bullet points:

 I am a child of the King of Kings! 

I am worth dying for! 

I am so treasured that the God of the Universe sent His SON...HIS ONLY SON....to DIE a horrible death just for me. And if I was the only person on the earth, He still would have done it. 

I could go on for days with these truths. But for my entire existence, I have struggled, nay, failed, at moving these truths from my head to heart. I agree with those who've said it before and am absolutely convinced that the longest distance anyone must travel in life is the distance from head to heart. WHY? Why is so hard to convince the heart of truthful things about our Creator-God-Father-Friend?

So, I struggle. I wrestle with what others think of me. How they perceive everything....every. thing....about me. It's not a constant thing. Most days, I am confident in who I am, what I'm doing, how I'm doing whatever it is. I do well to stay away from Facebook and Pinterest and Instagram, where, let's be honest people - we will never measure up to all the perfectly pictured moments of sunsets and reading lists and checklists and grocery lists and chore charts. I mean, just bless.

But some days.  OH. Some. Days. 

I can feel your shoulders drooping and your eyebrows lifting with me. The deep sigh comes from me too, sister-friend.

Some days my whole life just seems like one big ugly cry. I just can't seem to find my footing. I KNOW the truth of the Word and what God says about me. But I flounder. I gasp for air under giant waves of insecurity. And then I adjust what I would do, say, act, feel, wear to whatever I think they're thinking.

Does this mom-friend think I'm being too hard on my kids? Too soft? ....Adjust.
Is she, he, them watching what I'm choosing to eat?....Adjust.
Oh gosh, that woman in Wal-Mart just asked NJ a question and she didn't know the answer, I really should teach her that....Adjust.
I know that she and I don't agree on certain topics, and even though my opinions are biblically based and she calls herself a believer....mmmm.... I will just hear her out, smile and nod and by NOT responding I won't cause any problems.

I confess most of this ugly rears it's head when it comes to my kids. To my parenting abilities. To my mothering, homemaking, wife-ing. You know, the places we women find our identity and worth more often than in Christ. Ouch. That one stung a little, huh? Yet again...how to move the truth from head to heart?

I don't have the answer. I see so many, myself included, finding identity and worth and value and security in the temporal. The enemy has deceived in the places closest to our hearts. He's cunning like that. Sly dog. He has reached right in to the places we devote our life's work to - home, kids, marriage, family - and convinced so many of us that if all those things are flowing along nicely, we are OK and our "place in life" is solid and secure. Oh what shaky ground it is. He has convinced us, lied to us, walked us into the garden and handed the apple and we have bitten like big fish. Oh that we could go back and replace the lie. Replace the lie dug deep into our hearts and souls and spirits that our identities lie in these houses of brick and mortar. That our worth is wrapped neatly into the behavior, education, and cleanliness of our children. Oh dear friends, we KNOW it isn't. Our minds KNOW this truth. But our BELIEF is blocked. Our hearts are guarded and afraid and unsure.

I, for one, am tired of being guarded and afraid, unsure and insecure. My God didn't call me to that. He didn't send His son to die for me so I could live a life full of that! I look forward to the ways that He is about to alter my heart-believing. I never have these rants without a change being close behind. I embrace it. I look forward to it. I can't wait to see what He is about to do.


PS...I seriously wish for one week, we would all post our worst moments to social media, the makeup off, hair in tangles, the thing we actually just really "oh my gosh did I seriously" said to our kids. Close-up shots of ring around the tub, the dust on the fan blades and the overflowing trashcans. DO I dare say it...the PLAYROOM!? I mean..can you imagine?! HA!!!

Humbling

I have recently felt the Lord saying that He is preparing me for a season of humbling. Not a "pride comes before the fall" kind of humbling, but a humbling of reformation. I have felt Him saying that He is going to take me into places that will, by their very nature have a refining effect on me. Physical places He will take our family into, emotional places that He will use to chip away at my soul damage, spiritual challenges that will shake my foundations...

I confess I'm a little nervous.

I look ahead to 2015 and feel like He is going to strip away the comfortable. That these days of knowing what to expect, how to function in my little world, and exactly how I fit into that world will all change, like a pre-schooler dumping and reworking a puzzle board. There aren't that many pieces in a preschool puzzle, but when it gets dumped, it's gonna take them a minute to put it all right again.

I am so thankful He has prepared my heart. Isn't that just like a dad? "Honey, this trail we're walking has not been easy. But it's been somewhat predictable. We're about to start climbing some rocky terrain. And you can't always trust the rock under your next step. I'll test it first. I'll go ahead and make the path steady and true. Trust me, okay? You may want to deviate. You may think you see an easier way to get to the top. But trust me. I know the best way and I will lead you through."

And in that trusting, stepping where He steps and pushing through the hard climb when He leads me there, I know I will be better for it. My family, my children, my little world...will be better for it. I pray for the guts to see it through. I pray for His strength and the great ability to dig deep into who I am and what He wants to change in me and to walk boldly yet humbly into these refining fires.

Here's to 2015! May I walk worthy of His calling and find all the richness of this life He has planned.