So apparently I'm insecure...

So apparently, I'm insecure. I guess I've known for a while that I struggle with finding my identity in Christ. I wasn't taught how, and no one I grew up with really exhibited this mindset. Further, as I've grown into adulthood, "finding your identity in Christ" seems to be this elusive skeleton of an idea that I haven't found anyone who can boil it down for me into digestible chunks. It's always this grand notion with some kind of imaginary checklist that I can't seem to find anywhere.

Oh I know the bullet points:

 I am a child of the King of Kings! 

I am worth dying for! 

I am so treasured that the God of the Universe sent His SON...HIS ONLY SON....to DIE a horrible death just for me. And if I was the only person on the earth, He still would have done it. 

I could go on for days with these truths. But for my entire existence, I have struggled, nay, failed, at moving these truths from my head to heart. I agree with those who've said it before and am absolutely convinced that the longest distance anyone must travel in life is the distance from head to heart. WHY? Why is so hard to convince the heart of truthful things about our Creator-God-Father-Friend?

So, I struggle. I wrestle with what others think of me. How they perceive everything....every. thing....about me. It's not a constant thing. Most days, I am confident in who I am, what I'm doing, how I'm doing whatever it is. I do well to stay away from Facebook and Pinterest and Instagram, where, let's be honest people - we will never measure up to all the perfectly pictured moments of sunsets and reading lists and checklists and grocery lists and chore charts. I mean, just bless.

But some days.  OH. Some. Days. 

I can feel your shoulders drooping and your eyebrows lifting with me. The deep sigh comes from me too, sister-friend.

Some days my whole life just seems like one big ugly cry. I just can't seem to find my footing. I KNOW the truth of the Word and what God says about me. But I flounder. I gasp for air under giant waves of insecurity. And then I adjust what I would do, say, act, feel, wear to whatever I think they're thinking.

Does this mom-friend think I'm being too hard on my kids? Too soft? ....Adjust.
Is she, he, them watching what I'm choosing to eat?....Adjust.
Oh gosh, that woman in Wal-Mart just asked NJ a question and she didn't know the answer, I really should teach her that....Adjust.
I know that she and I don't agree on certain topics, and even though my opinions are biblically based and she calls herself a believer....mmmm.... I will just hear her out, smile and nod and by NOT responding I won't cause any problems.

I confess most of this ugly rears it's head when it comes to my kids. To my parenting abilities. To my mothering, homemaking, wife-ing. You know, the places we women find our identity and worth more often than in Christ. Ouch. That one stung a little, huh? Yet again...how to move the truth from head to heart?

I don't have the answer. I see so many, myself included, finding identity and worth and value and security in the temporal. The enemy has deceived in the places closest to our hearts. He's cunning like that. Sly dog. He has reached right in to the places we devote our life's work to - home, kids, marriage, family - and convinced so many of us that if all those things are flowing along nicely, we are OK and our "place in life" is solid and secure. Oh what shaky ground it is. He has convinced us, lied to us, walked us into the garden and handed the apple and we have bitten like big fish. Oh that we could go back and replace the lie. Replace the lie dug deep into our hearts and souls and spirits that our identities lie in these houses of brick and mortar. That our worth is wrapped neatly into the behavior, education, and cleanliness of our children. Oh dear friends, we KNOW it isn't. Our minds KNOW this truth. But our BELIEF is blocked. Our hearts are guarded and afraid and unsure.

I, for one, am tired of being guarded and afraid, unsure and insecure. My God didn't call me to that. He didn't send His son to die for me so I could live a life full of that! I look forward to the ways that He is about to alter my heart-believing. I never have these rants without a change being close behind. I embrace it. I look forward to it. I can't wait to see what He is about to do.


PS...I seriously wish for one week, we would all post our worst moments to social media, the makeup off, hair in tangles, the thing we actually just really "oh my gosh did I seriously" said to our kids. Close-up shots of ring around the tub, the dust on the fan blades and the overflowing trashcans. DO I dare say it...the PLAYROOM!? I mean..can you imagine?! HA!!!

Humbling

I have recently felt the Lord saying that He is preparing me for a season of humbling. Not a "pride comes before the fall" kind of humbling, but a humbling of reformation. I have felt Him saying that He is going to take me into places that will, by their very nature have a refining effect on me. Physical places He will take our family into, emotional places that He will use to chip away at my soul damage, spiritual challenges that will shake my foundations...

I confess I'm a little nervous.

I look ahead to 2015 and feel like He is going to strip away the comfortable. That these days of knowing what to expect, how to function in my little world, and exactly how I fit into that world will all change, like a pre-schooler dumping and reworking a puzzle board. There aren't that many pieces in a preschool puzzle, but when it gets dumped, it's gonna take them a minute to put it all right again.

I am so thankful He has prepared my heart. Isn't that just like a dad? "Honey, this trail we're walking has not been easy. But it's been somewhat predictable. We're about to start climbing some rocky terrain. And you can't always trust the rock under your next step. I'll test it first. I'll go ahead and make the path steady and true. Trust me, okay? You may want to deviate. You may think you see an easier way to get to the top. But trust me. I know the best way and I will lead you through."

And in that trusting, stepping where He steps and pushing through the hard climb when He leads me there, I know I will be better for it. My family, my children, my little world...will be better for it. I pray for the guts to see it through. I pray for His strength and the great ability to dig deep into who I am and what He wants to change in me and to walk boldly yet humbly into these refining fires.

Here's to 2015! May I walk worthy of His calling and find all the richness of this life He has planned.

4th of July!!

Man o Man time's a' flying!! I feel like just yesterday we were waiting for the ninja's arrival and now we are on the eve of 4th of July?!

This week has absolutely been insane. Can anybody feel me?! My birthday, meetings for work and church and to cut out the sweetest lady-bug invitations on the planet...seriously people, Christ Church Brenham women know how to throw a shindig. If you are expecting or getting married or coming up on a significant birthday, move to Texas and join our church just so you can get a party. This group of women could write a novel simply on partying it up in shabby chic style. And. That. Ain't. No. Joke.

Digressing....

Anyway, it's been nuts and the forecast is partly cloudy with a chance of almonds. AKA: it ain't changing any time soon. Saturday we have a wedding to attend about 2 hours away, and then a whole gaggle of the hubs' fam arrives. His mom will be back from her east coast tour. No, she isn't the next American Idol. Just the most current American Idol Grandma touring 'round in her Prius to see her grandbabies. Arriving with her will be 3 additional family members and two friends. Bringing the Forman Texas total to 10!

So, for all this celebratory hoop-lah, and the independence of this great nation, I've decided to tackle my first layered cake. Hopefully, it will turn out as fantastic as Mrs. Ashley over at MakeIt-LoveIt.com If you haven't seen this site, and you are crafty, drop everything and go. Go now. Seriously. Stop. Reading. Redirect URL. Stand in awe of her fantastic-ness.

Anyway...Here's a pic of this crazy cake. Hopefully it won't turn out brown in the middle and purple on top...I'm sure the cookie monster that lives at my house would eat it anyway.

Happy 4th of July!!!

Goodbye Roaring Twenties!!!

Well, the day finally arrived. Today is my 30th birthday. Most people say that with a sigh and then go run 4 miles to "prove they can." I, on the other hand, echo the words of my sister-in-law, Megan: "I feel like I'm just hitting my stride."


(Speaking of Megan, she and her hubs are currently texting me a major event that happened every year of my last 30...it's rather insane AND hilarious!!...and super creative. Well done, friends!!)


The big celebration started last night with a yum yum yummy apple pie baked by my friend, Mandy, at small group. Everyone was glad I turned 30. :-) 


This morning I woke up to a giant package creatively wrapped by my handsome man. He ran out of paper, but wrapped it in such a way that I couldn't tell. He just made me open it very carefully...


My first order of the day, however, was to open my card, which was actually 3. Dave, my mom, my sister and her man, and my in-laws all went in together for the gift (you will have to hold on for that part...) and my mom and sis wrote me little notes that Dave beautifully glued to crafty paper for me! He even picked the paper to match their personalities.  

Dave's card also matched his personality and was a perfect reflection of the atmosphere of our home most days, full of laughter, silliness and fun...

He said he couldn't resist the card because of the gift everyone got me....

TA-DA!!!!

"One happy wife and mama" doesn't even BEGIN to express how happy I am about this gift!! If you had asked me even 3 months ago if I would ever learn to sew, I would have laughed and said.."no way! Who has time for that?!" And then, I got roped into sewing some kitchen towels for a friend, the bug was caught and before long I was borrowing a sewing machine from anyone who would let me.  

I couldn't wait to put it to work!! But first, off to Hobby Lobby for some fantastically amazing cloth to fulfill  my fantastically amazing ideas!! 

Jackpot! 

They are all in the wash being loved on by some Tide before being jerked and stabbed into submission. No worries little cotton wares, you will live a much happier life as pillows, dresses, nursing covers and burp cloths. Life is better with purpose, dear ones! :-)

As I said earlier, I'm hitting my stride. 

I'm at home in my community and town. I know I've got some amazing women as back up while I journey this new mommy scene. 

I looking back at old recipes I thought were so hard once and I wonder why they were. I can bake bread, am going to make baby food, and am even tackling a cake that is 5 layers and looks like an American flag when you cut it! ha! 

I have a husband who would lasso the moon for me, who stands guard over me, our daughter and our home and who gets giddy over me getting giddy over something as silly as fabric. (In fact, he's got his eye on a pumpkin print he said he needs made into a table runner before October...told you we were silly most of the time...) He keeps my heart light and my vocal chords strained from laughter. You knocked it out of the park this year, my love. 

Well, there's the dryer buzzer. Off to build something fantastic!! 

And hey there, 30? 

Bring. It. 

It's Mama Flair!

Recently, Dave has been encouraging me to "...just do something for you." So, on my day off this week, I ventured to our local Sally's Beauty supply, and came out with some new adventures on my horizon...

I like to call it "Mama Flair."

As my sister in law likes to say..."I'm just keepin' it real, ya'll"

A House Divided...

Do your mealtimes look like this?

If so, tell me, what's your favorite "healthy enough for mommy and tasty enough for daddy recipes?"

Can you guess which side is mine? :-)

Time to get a lil messy!!

I will be honest with myself and the world...I've been dreading the idea of starting the lil ninja on solids. I know most moms can't wait to get to this milestone, but the thought of lugging clunky glass jars around...the mess...the mess in the diapers...the potential digestive issues...having to plan meals for another mouth that doesn't eat what we do (quite yet). It just all seems overwhelming and a bit complicated. (Did I mention I don't like change either?!)

But then, I think about this little film clip and I embrace the necessity...

So, today, I bought them. The first four little packs of baby food for our sweet girl...roasted butternut squash and sweet peas. And tomorrow...or Saturday...will be the beginning of a new chapter....

I'm sure I will post a video soon, so stay tuned!!

Epic Fail. Epic Truth.

Epic. Fail. I was appalled when I opened my blog page and saw that the last post I put up was May 9. Really, Jules? Over a month? Even when you know how much this silly act of putting pen to page feeds your soul?! For those who are immediately concerned that my soul is dry, I assure you it is not. I'm learning to maximize the little moments and stick to the schedule our home so efficiently runs around.

I think a large issue that plagues most moms, especially new moms like your truely, is the boring routine of the day to day. I think thats why we get so much joy from planning birthday parties, baby showers and meeting for coffee or a swim in the pool. A break. A break from the everyday.

I'm thankful for women like Sally Clarkson. In her book, Mission of Motherhood, I found myself staring back from the pages.

"The truth is, serving others in the ordinary moments of life is not something that comes easily to me. I'm the kind of person who tends to be attracted to the grand sweeping accomplishments in life. I am challenged by stories that offer great vision and depth of commitment. When it comes to motherhood, I like the idea of being a mom who inspires my children to great accomplishments...The everyday realities of running a household just don't have the same appeal.


But the humdrum activities, of course, comprise the majority of a mother's experience. Before I had children, I never realized this. I really had no clue that admiring a Beanie Baby's pen, taking a picture, finding a T-shirt, and helping to unlock a gas cap would be the kinds of sacrificial acts required of me most often while I attempted to fulfill the mission of motherhood."

Anybody out there resonating with me? Feel the vibes, sister-friends. I want GREATNESS in my life! (Can you see me? Arms outstretched at the top of some magnificent peak, overlooking grand mountain ranges shouting to all creation?)



Never mind that I would have probably stumbled by way to that mountain top in my old ratty T-shirt, with a Charlie horse and one of those awful “stitches in my side.” And of course I would carry with me my constant companion these days: a dried up smelly sour milk stain over my left shoulder and down my back.

Before I feel too sorry for myself that I will not be climbing any mountains anytime soon, Sally saves my outlook….

“I’ve come to appreciate the importance of the many thousands of routine moments in a mother’s life, for it is in these moments that real greatness tends to be taught and caught. It is certainly important to grasp the great calling of motherhood and respond to a vision for what a family can be. But it’s the way I respond to my children in everyday moments that gives me the best chance of winning their hearts.”

John 15:13: Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends.

Thanks for the redirect, Sally.

The Great Door Project is Complete!

So, some of you probably read about our little door project. Well, it turned out to be a bit more than we bargained for, but we learned a lot in the process!

Things we learned:
1. Use a metal scraper. After 4 layers of paint, the plastic one will get duller than a #2 during the SATs.

2. Buy the BIG can of stripper. Otherwise, you will spend just as much on the 4 small cans and the gas it takes to get there.

3. Give yourself plenty of time, but work with a deadline in mind. I think Dave and I both would have given up if not for the deadline of visiting relatives and a 3 month old without a door. Thankfully, they were gracious as Dave spent their first few hours here putting the door up.

4. Think lead. When stripping a door from 1929, assume it is simply oozing with lead. In fact, maybe paint it gray first for visual effect. Poor Norah had to cry her face off a few times so we could wash up before retrieving her from her nap.

5. And finally, don't over look that old hardware. With a little stripper and a nice sander, you will have a doorknob that is simply to. die. for.

Check it out!

Why Write?

Writing does something for me. I dont' know what it is, but it fuels something in my soul. It brings out thoughts I can't seem to articulate with my lips. It's the camcorder for the moments, days and years of my life. I can look back over 20 plus journals that cronical the last 10 years and see where I was and where I am now. I can see the beautiful ways the Lord has heard His daughter and answered. I can see the growth of my faith, the lack of faith in dark seasons, the struggles, the fear, the joy, the thankfulness. All of it. All of life staring back at me from the pages.

I see the journeys of faith. Single. College. Boyfriends. India. Peru. Mexico. Philly. Full-Time Ministry. Married. Saying hello to in-laws. Saying good-bye to my father. Attempting full time student-hood again. Starting and ending a business. Deep financial struggle. Moving across the country. Darkness. Joining the community that's becoming family. Reconciliation and Redemption. Buying a home. Saying hello to a step-family. Becoming a Mother.

When I get a new journal, I always sit for a moment staring at that first blank page. I don't know what it is about it, but there is something inviting. Something beckoning to me to record life. To fill the pages with the beauty and the strife that is the life we all live. A place to be real. To be honest. To be naked.

I am thankful for the writing. Thankful I have recorded life in this way. Reading back reminds me of where we have been, where we are, and where we will be one day soon.

Reading takes me right back to the full emotional brunt of whatever was flowing that day. My tenuous personality is obvious. My fear, faithlessness, begging and tears are clear. And alongside, His faithful oozes from the pages. His truth screams freedom. And I remember. I thank. And I rest.

How do you rest?

A question that the hubs and I have often posed to one another is: "How do you rest?" The question is continually directed toward me, as, I find it hard to rest. I find it hard to find how I rest.

Most people can tell you something that revives their spirit.

If I can just get a cup of tea and curl up in that chair...

I need a bubble bath and a glass of Shiraz...

Coffee at that shop on the corner, wrapped up in the scents, calming music and my favorite book...

Candlelit dinner with my love...Gardening...driving...playing my instrument...painting...scrapbooking... pedicure...spa day...shall I go on??

Yet, here I sit. 24 hours ago, I was crying and yelling at my soulmate. Because. I. Can't. Rest. I can't find that magical one thing that revives my spirit and helps me feel centered again. He is more than willing to watch our child so I can "get out." But, the question always sits heavy. A bowling bowl that leaves the hand wrong on its journey down the lane. Dropping with a mighty thud on the wood. What is my thing I want to do?

And here I find myself. Planted behind my keyboard. Typing. Words flowing. And weight lifting. Could this be the thing? The thing I can do to find release and rest in the midst of my crazy "un-restful" moments? Or could it be a mixture of all of the above? The gardening, pedicures, wine and these words, all mixed together in a beautiful life casserole. All the flavors are always present, but consistently changing based on the bite you take.

I don't have a clean ending to this post for I am continually in process. Thanks for journeying along with me.

The Death Of Family

Update: 4/13/2010: The latest news is that the fiancée stated he knew the kids were in the house when he started the fire. He has been charged with two murders and arson, not sure about charges in the threat to the police officer. There will be a visitation "Thursday from 4-8pm. Fridays service starts at 11am but is only open to family, friends and officials who helped bring justice to my children." (<--from Steve's (dad) facebook) 


Please pray for the family and friends as they gather. And for some of us, this song by our friends, Building429 has provided peace and strength:  Always by Building429 


Thanks Jason for writing truth in love. Thanks Ben for reminding me of this song. 


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Last night Dave and I got horrible news from a family member. Dave's 2nd cousins, ages 8 and 5 were killed in a house fire. A house fire set by their mother's fiancée. It is unknown at this time if the children were killed before the fire or by the fire. The man fled and was found 200 miles north in another state where a police chase ensued. When the tire puncturing strips finally stopped his car, he jumped out with a knife and tried to kill a police officer. He was tazed  and is currently hospitalized. He is charged with the murders of the children, arson and the attempted murder of a police officer. See the latest article here:  Suspect Stopped in Covington

When we got the news, I immediately broke into tears. I don't know these children or their immediate family (except their grandmother who is my mother in law's sister). But the evil overwhelmed me.  And I don't know what to do with it all.

Feelings of:

• This guy should be strapped to a chair in a house. Light the thing on fire and let him burn. 
• I shouldn't think that way, I should want him to know Christ and the power of his redemption. 
• Speaking of Christ and redemption; where is the redemption in this situation? How will he redeem this evil?
• Praying for their father to not do anything rash. Last we heard, the family is keeping a close eye on him to make sure he doesn't head up there and kill this guy. (Any father would be justified in wanting to kill the man who maliciously murdered his children.)
• Praying for God's justice and vengeance to spill out on this man. Is it alright to pray that? To ask God for his justice to reign down on evil? What about when his children do evil things? He loves all His children the same, but the consequences of sin are of varying degrees, right? 
• How do I get all of this off my heart and mind without poisoning the minds and hearts of my dearest friends with this evil and fear? I have so many friends who want children more than anything, so to encounter the malicious taking of the very dearest thing to them would be heartbreaking.  
• Why God? Why? Why? Why? Why would you allow this? WHY. 

Typically in the past, I have been able to resolve my soul struggles of why with "God has a purpose." I have spoken this over myself so many times. Why divorce, why death, why pain? "God has a purpose and we live in a fallen world under the influence of sin and death." And while I believe those things, something in me rises up in this situation, screaming and shaking my fists at the sky that those answers are not enough. They are not enough to fill this gaping hole. This act was not of God. I wrestle to accept if it could be in His will. I dare say it is not His will, but He allowed it. And my gut turns and cringes when I say "he allowed it." I wrestle with "God is in control of everything." I wrestle with the Christian-ese things we tell ourselves when we face unanswerable questions. The unanswerable questions that are entirely evil. That are entirely instigated and executed by Satan himself. 

Thanks for reading my vent. Thanks for joining me in prayer for the parents of the children, Steve and Lisa Lynch, for grandmother Leona. Pray for justice to be done, however God would see that come to be. 

Oh great God, I know your ways are not our ways. I know your thoughts are higher than mine. I know you see the end and the beginning. You know the vast depth of human spirit and soul. You know the answers to my feelings and I am thankful that you can handle it when I shake my fist in the air in pain and confusion. I know that you see my heart and you will bring clarity. Bring clarity oh God. Clarity and peace in the midst of a broken, sinful and evil situation.