Wanna Be Healed?

I was recently talking with someone about a new phase in their life. It is always a joy to be invited into the soul mess of people you love. Not a joy because they are struggling, but a joy because in my opinion, those moments are when life happens.

Life happens when we are real with each other, when I sit and share that I too have experienced those feelings, those anxieties. I, too, have fought until the tears are streaming and the knuckles are clenched tight. Yes, I have walked out of the house, gotten in the car and driven through tear filled eyes, screaming at God for answers, angry. It's the sin of life. I'm not proud of it. I'm not boasting in my stupidity or weak moments. They were sinful moments that I'm not proud of. But, they are the real me. The real life. The realest of real ugliness.

And in those ugly moments, in my weakness, His strength is revealed. When I drove away in the car, angry, frustrated and at wits end...He met me and spoke forgiveness, healing, and peace. When I fight with my soulmate, He speaks gentleness and grace. When I get anxious, He speaks He has already gone before.

And so, I sit across the table and share. I share the details of my heart, my feelings, my pain, my life experience. Because at some point, I pray my pain helps someone. I pray my experience can be a learning tool of what to do (or in more cases...what NOT to do). I hope by sharing...by bringing my dark moments to the light, that someone may benefit.

"Confess your sin one to another and pray for one another, that you may be healed." James 5:16

Our confession of sin is not meant as a moment of shame, though that feeling may accompany the sinful choices we make, it's not the end goal. It's not a command to drag yourself through the mud just for the sake of dragging yourself through the mud. It's there so that we may be healed. So. That. You. May. Be. Healed. The healing comes in bringing those sins into the light to other believers. It comes in allowing them to pray with us over those things. It comes in knowing that you aren't alone in the struggle of sin and that others have been there. We weren't meant to walk this road alone. My prayer is that in my sharing of the struggle to walk through life honoring Christ and submitting life to Him as best I can, I can encourage others to do the same.

The Road Ahead of Me....

My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it. Therefore will I trust you always, though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

— Thomas Merton

The God of detail

I have recently been drawn to the Old Testament. I reread the stories of the plagues on Egypt, Moses' life, the trek to the Promised Land, Joshua leading them in. Then I jumped over to 1 Samuel and read about Samuel, the begging for a King, the appointment of Saul, the appointment of David and Saul's pursuit to take his life.

I enjoyed reading these things again and finding small details I had missed before...like...

-- Some of the plagues only affected the Egyptians and didn't affect the Israelites (not just the Angel of the Death, but others as well)

--Saul threw a spear at his own son (Jonathan) because he was so angry that David wasn't at dinner. Don't worry Jonathan survived.

-- Samuel, the priest, hacked King Agag to pieces. 1 Sam 15:33

--There's a lot more, but for time sake I will move on. Go read it!!

I am continually amazed at the amount of detail in these stories. My pastor says it's there to prove the voracity of scripture, which I totally understand and agree with. But I also see that it points to the Lord's care of the details of our lives.

He cares deeply about our details.

How many times have you heard of someone receiving the exact amount of money they needed for an unexpected bill? Or having some uncertain issue and just running into someone who has the exact answer they need at just the moment they needed it. Or how about "the number of hairs on your head being numbered." I love my kids dearly, but I guarantee you I have no idea how many hairs they have...I wouldn't even know a ballpark. A million? A billion? A trillion minus what I find in the drain everyday? But He knows. 

I believe He meets us in these moments to show how present He is. He had that check on the way in the mail before you knew the bill even existed. He fashioned the movement of time and space (and traffic lights and diaper changes) to ensure that you met that plumber on aisle 5 at Home Depot to get the answer to why your toilet just exploded and is flooding your bathroom while you desperately try to find the parts to fix it.  OH...and he knew which parts you needed. 

He does this to show how much He cares for you. How about this one..."For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son..." The World....the world...the world...all 6 billion of us. But what if you changed it up a bit and put your name in that spot....

For God so loved Julie that He gave His only begotten Son so that if Julie would believe in Him she would have everlasting life.

I know for me, I so often lump myself in "the world" that I can tend to forget how deeply personal that God of ours really is. He is intensely personal. He cares how many hairs are on your head for crying out loud. And if He cares about something most of us never even think of (receding hairlines and thinning hair moments excluded), how much more does He care about your flooded bathroom, the bills that cause tears to come, or the loved one you grieve over. 

He is present. He cares about the details. He wants to hear about your days. Your heartaches, Your pain. Your stress. Your joys. Your laughter. Your kids' laughter. Your excitement over the bills paid and the toilets fixed. He marked the details of the Old Testament (and New Testament) because they mattered then and they matter now. Share with Him. He not only wants to know the moments of your life, He has all the answers. 

Norah is FIVE!!!

And will you succeed? Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)
KID, YOU'LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!
So...
be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray
or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O'Shea,
you're off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So...get on your way!”
― Dr. Seuss, Oh, The Places You'll Go!

Norah turns 5 years old today. Stop my ever-lovin' mama heart, how can this child be FIVE?? That means I've been a mama for half a decade already and sweet mercy time just can't be going that fast. 

The first time I read her "Oh the Places You'll Go" I cried like a baby. She was only 3 or so and I was pregnant, so I blame the hormones. But the book totally spoke to me about the potential in this little girl. She is amazing. And here are some things you need to know about her. 

1. She can read! It's a new accomplishment and one that all of us Formans are pretty stoked about. But this little newly five year old sat down a few weeks ago and read The Cat in the Hat to her sister. On Christmas Day, she read me a couple pages from Little House in the Big Woods. I couldn't be prouder. She has worked hard and pushed past her loathing of "sounding it out" and she's getting better everyday. 

                                         

2. She is a crafty. We once went through 500 sheets of construction paper in a week. No. Lie. She once recruited me and her siblings to make sure we wrote enough notes for every single person at our church to have one. She had an assembly line going where she would write the note, I would stuff the envelope, sis would lick and stick and lil bro would just look on adoringly. It was very important for her make sure everyone had one. We have a desk for her and it is always overflowing with papers, markers, glue, tape, scissors, stickers, glitter glue and anything that can be glued to a paper. I actually made her a craft box and included pieces of straws, rubber bands, dry beans, old beads, buttons and yarn. They have all....ALL...ended up stuck to a page somehow.

   

Those are leaves from a bush out front. She pulled them off and started asking me for glue and paper. Why not?!

That is painter's tape. A mom's best friend in my humble option. They can stick it anywhere and it will come off without leaving a mark. And if they wrap themselves like a mummy? Well, it's hilarious to watch them try to jump around the room. 

3. Thumbs Up! She will give you a thumbs up to indicate that she is on board with the gameplan, understands what you are saying or just in general likes the idea. We didn't initially know where this came from until one day at dinner when Dave gave the kids a few thumbs up, himself while eating. She is her daddy's girl.

4. She loves to talk to anyone. At the grocery store, at Walmart, in the Starbucks drive thru, the UPS delivery guy.... this girl will talk to anyone about what is important and going on in her life at the moment. When she learned my phone number, everyone in our small town got to hear it at the grocery store. They also knew all our names, ages and hair color.

5. She has the memory of an elephant. She remembers things from a year ago, 2 years ago, you name it. If I give her a few context clues about what we are discussing, she will nail it and often tell me more about the event or discussion than I remember. The funniest part about this gift is that she talks to me about things that happened months or years ago like they just happened yesterday. I confess it takes me a while to catch up. :-)

6. She cares deeply for her siblings. At her young age, this deep adoration of Emma and Hudson often comes in the form of acting like a little mama. She reminds them of things they are supposed to do or not do, brings them books, and reads with them. Multiple mornings I have gotten out of bed to find her already up making toast and setting the table for breakfast. One day we all had plates with a banana, apple, buttered toast and cups of milk. Except for me. She remembered I don't like milk so well, but I love water, so I had a cup of water (see #5!!). She is currently helping Emma potty train by sitting with her reading her books while Emma sits on the potty. She will remind Hudson to "don't eat the crayons, baby love!!!" And often asks to help me with my chores. She is a pro at washing windows, emptying trashcans, and wiping up spills. She is the best firstborn daughter I could have asked for. :-)

Giving Emma a ride on the motorized car. 

                                     

Dr. Norah needed to bandage some boo-boos. Note the antiseptic spray on the floor. 

Wagon rides at the farm. She pulled them all over the place!

Reading to the Reds while they potty train. 

Feeding "baby Emma" in Hudson's seat.

7. She is hospitable. If you have spent any amount of quality time with this girl, she has undoubtedly invited you over to our house for a meal. If you are extra special, you have probably gotten invited to spend the night...no matter that you are in your 50s and have your own family to care for. That excuse won't work with her. She will just invite the rest of your family to come along as well.

This is her best bud, Wyatt. With an underwear hat. She asked him to spend the night. You should too. Underwear hats not required.

8. She is tough. Recently, NJ (my nickname for her) got pretty sick and had to be admitted to the hospital and part of her treatment included IV fluids. The nurse explained the pinch that was coming and thankfully she was a pediatric oncology nurse before she came to our small hospital so she hit that little dehydrated vein the first shot. Norah flinched and stiffened up but she didn't scream or cry or jerk at all. She took it like a champ. She falls down and draws blood and just jumps up saying "I'M OK!!!" She flips, falls and crashes, but she's always ok.

That would be NJ vs. concrete porch. Tough kid.

9. She is adventurous. One of her favorite memories is going exploring with her dad in a culvert by our local Starbucks. They ventured down in there together, walked the whole length of the thing, popping out the other side and trucking up a hill to Home Depot. They explored every single pre-fab building in the Home Depot parking lot. She is always wanting to explore, adventure and go to places undiscovered. She works hard to climb to the highest points of things and isn't afraid of taking the risk of falling.

Rock Climbing

Climbing the brush pile at the new house. Dave is in the pic for scale. It's a huge pile.

More brush pile madness. Mama anxieties were a lil high on this one. :-)

                               
                        So this was all her idea. Hilarious. If it doesn't play click HERE.


10. She is sensitive. On the same hospital visit mentioned above, she had her IV in one hand and a BP cuff going on the other arm. She was crying a little because the cuff was pretty tight, and then kept crying after it was over and when I asked why she was so upset, she whimpered while holding up both her arms straight in front of her.... "mooooooom, I can't even wipe my own tears!!" I jumped in her bed as fast as a mama ever has, wiped those tears and held that baby. She easily misses friends, even the brand new ones that she has known for a whopping 30 minute park interaction and if you leave without a hug, there will be lots of tears.

This is a boy we met and played with at the park for 30 minutes. Now, 2 months later, she still wonders how he is and "misses" him.

My dearest girl, you are a force to be reckoned with. I say this not because you are angry or fierce or with any negative connotation at all. I say it because you have spent your life being a light to those around you. Did you know your name means "light?" Before your dad and I even considered having kids, I knew if we had a girl, her name would be Norah. Little did I know you would fit it's meaning so perfectly. You naturally exude joy, love, and the thrill of learning more and more about yourself, others and the world. Your heart is full to bursting with love, concern and excitement for those around you. You seek to help people in anyway you can. And most of the time you do it joyfully. Never lose that desire, it will serve you well. You live life wide open, all day, every day. My prayer is that I can teach you to harness those things and use them to benefit and serve those around you and that you never lose these heart cries. People are precious to us because they are precious to God, right kiddo? Keep painting, coloring, glueing, making presents and impressing me with your ability to affix anything anywhere. Your dad and I promise to invest in as much construction paper as you need. You made me a mama. And I am so blessed that God entrusted you to us for this season. I love your face. 

Emma is THREE

Emma turns three years old today, and in honor of this occasion I thought it only fitting to give her a little blog face time.

                                       

Things you should know about Emma...

1. Her dad named her. We were having trouble coming up with a name, and Dave absolutely loved the sound of Emma Grace. After I threw out 10 billion other ideas...including Penelope and Ava and some really weird ones I can't even remember now, we both agreed that Emma was it. And I'm so glad we did.

2. Her birth plan required a re-working of normal C-section procedures. My previous birth was pretty tough, so when it came time for Emma's planned C-section, I stumbled upon a YouTube video called "The Natural Caesarean." My doctor was gracious to provide me his personal email address and together we agreed that we could talk to the hospital staff about implementing some of the ideas presented to make the birth experience more pleasant for me. So after months of back and forth emails and planning, the day came for Emma to arrive and everyone was on board with a change of workflow in the OR. They lowered the curtain so I could see her being pulled out of my belly and I immediately got to kiss her bloody, wet, vernix covered face. She was only out of my sight for about 20 minutes the first day of her birth and I loved every second of it.

3. She has renamed our family members. One day, a few months ago, E casually announced to me that she had a sister name Sally and a brother named John. She began referring to her siblings by these new names in everyday conversation. "Hey Sa-we, do you wike dis song?" At first, Norah...ahem...Sally didn't like this change and would protest to the utmost, but Emma, being relentless, wouldn't let up and eventually Sally came to terms with her new name. My favorite recollection of the use of these names was when the ladies of the house were headed out to party and Dave was to stay home with Hudson. As we were leaving, she shouted "DAAAAADDDD...be sure to keep an eye on John!!!" Her parents have also been renamed as Peter and Popcorny. I'll let you guess who is which. :-)

4. She is hilarious. And she doesn't even try to be. She doesn't intentionally try to be cute and funny. Some kids do things to be cute or get attention, not Emma. It's just part of her DNA. Her facial expressions, her ideas, her body movements...she is just hilarious. If she has ever looked at you with her confused face, you know exactly what I'm talking about.

She wandered out from nap time like this. I have no idea where she found the hat. 

5. She enjoys quiet time, flipping through books, alone. As long as Emma could walk, I would and do always find her alone somewhere flipping through a pile of books. Some of the stories she remembers and will verbalize them as she goes. Sometimes she will just make up the story if she can't remember what it's about. And sometimes she just flips and looks in complete silence. She loves to "read" and be read to, and is absolutely content in this space.

I'm sorry but do you see her crossed legs?! It's like she's in college studying for finals on the quad or something.

6. She has a fantastic memory. As is evidenced by her ability to remember the words to songs. Which leads me to......

7. She loves to sing. This video was recorded back in May 2015 when she was only 2 years 4 months old. Make sure you watch it because it encompasses numbers 7, 6 and 4 above. And it will make you smile and laugh and that will make your day better. (If the video below doesn't work, you can click HERE to view it online.)

8. She has been my only child to warrant a true emergency room visit (to date). And it wasn't even really her fault. He pinky toe was accidentally slammed in a door and partially amputated just before her second birthday. She got some stitches, lots of whatever she wanted for weeks, and handled it like a champ. All is well now, it doesn't even show a scar. I'll spare you the pictures though. :-)

Christmas Day 2015 dress up

9. She enjoys...dressing up and pretending to be a baby. She also loves it when Norah makes her a "bed" to sleep in. And she is my snuggler. This girl will snuggle like no other. My other children, do. not. do. the. snuggling.

I helped her put the dress on. The rest was alllllll her!!

                 

Playing "Baby" with big sis

Norah built this "bed" out of my chair for them to watch a show from.

My only snuggle buddy! 

10. She has the most amazing hair on the planet. I left this one for last because if you've seen it (at least if you've seen it on a good day), you know it's the truth. It's nothing anyone can take credit for, but it is just more evidence of her awesomeness.

This is with no product people. Be jealous. She can take it.

My dearest Emma, you light up my life, girlfriend. From the way you tumble out of bed in the morning, bleary eyed, clutching that beloved white blanket and stumble down the hall to the way you jump all catty-wompas, legs flailing when you get excited. I am so blessed to be your mom. I cherish all the moments I get to just watch you exploring this big world and figuring out how you fit in it. I love watching your facial expressions as you figure out a problem and your smile and laugh when you solve it. Let's always put puzzles together, ok? You make me laugh and smile and your innocence is a beautiful thing. You are forever my favorite Emma (and I hope I am forever your favorite mama.) All my love beautiful one.